Anna Maravelas, in a (sorry) marvelous article in the September O Magazine, says that "modern civilization is teetering on the brink of emotional idiocy. Cynicism, irritablity, anger, depression and hostility are all on the rise."

The article is called "The Two Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People," and while I don't claim to be brilliant, I sure thought the article was. Maravelas, a corporate peacemaker, author of “How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress” and founder of TheraRising, Inc., in St. Paul, says that at the root of every conflict is one of two behaviours: blaming someone else when a problem arises or blaming ourselves. "They grow out of the same thinking pattern," she says. "I'm frustrated because of someone's stupidity. The only difference is the target: another person or ourselves."

This line of reason resonated with me particularly because of a car trip I took last week. I was treated to what I've variously called since the most unpleasant, ugly, ignorant, bigoted diatribe I'd ever had the misfortune to be stuck listening to. I was mentally stuttering like Daffy Duck in a rage, not knowing where to begin to refute the crap I was listening to. But all along, at the back of my mind was the question: where in the world was all my friend's anger coming from?

More importantly, what do you do about it? Maravelas says the prescription is curiosity. She relates a hypothetical situation in her book and in this article to illustrate her point. She tells a story of a woman who stops at a red light, looks in her back seat, then gets out of the car and doing something back there, all the while other people are piled up behind her and the light has changed. It's easy to imagine the things the other drivers are communicating by thought, word and deed at this point, but Maravelas says the incident was based on a true story she read in the newspaper: the woman was out of her car because her toddler was choking in the back seat and she was trying to clear the child's throat.

Some CEOs tell Maravelas that instead of BO (blame others) and BS (blame self), they're using BIBS (baby in the back seat) as a kind of code word for an effective response to frustration. "It's code for 'There's something going on in the other person's life that I can't see," she says. "If I knew what it as, his behaviour would make sense to me.'"

So the insights in the article are working in my life in two ways. The first, not surprisingly, is a desire to hand the article to my friend with some tactful little preface like, "You're cynical, irritable, angry and hostile and as a result of your ignorant rant the other day, you need to read this article and pull your head out of your ass. And engaging your brain before you open your mouth wouldn't hurt either."

The other, much more useful application of this new way of looking at things is to see how often I have created a problem by a) not taking into account the BIBS ... b) not questioning my assumption that someone has to be at fault ... and c) that the only two options when there's a problem are that I'm to blame or someone else is.

So ... in conclusion ... there are perhaps things going on with my friend that I don't know. I am, however, allowed to decide that if I find someone else's attitudes so offensive, it's the most respectful solution to either suggest we no longer discuss topic x, or, (as may be the case in some recent situations in which I find myself), perhaps we need to absent ourselves from one another.

There are also things going on in OTHER people's lives that may be mitigating circumstances, but my friend will have to figure that one out without me.

And most importantly ... perhaps someone doesn't always have to be TO BLAME ... and there may be other options when it comes to dealing with problems.

Hmmm.

I hear emotional health knocking on the door. I shall put my head under a pillow and sing loudly until it goes away ...



http://www.therarising.com/oprah.cfm