- - - -

POPEYE: I'm gonna explain ta yer that we's is either dumb or not so dumb, accordin' ta how ya figger out this allergorter. See, there's fellers livin' in a cave and they canst sees nobody or nothin'. They's been there since they were little infinks and they's got their arms and legs all locked up. An' they canst move their necks, neither. So all they can sees is some shadders of gentlesmen what's comin' from a fire behind their backs. Garshk, it's like bein' in a puppet-show circus.


BLUTO: Argerghirrnama!


POPEYE: And the shadders looks like they're carryin' animules an' all kinds a' veskels an' implemenks ...


BLUTO: Whaddyagarghhhhh!


POPEYE: An' they're talking about these shadders and hearing the hollerin' that the gentlesmen are makin' an' they're givin' names to all these differn't apparatusks.


BLUTO: Whodayathinkyawadawagha?


POPEYE: If'n one o' these here fellers gets loose 'n' turns his neck, he gets a sharp pain an' the light makes him squink. He's gonner think the shadders are real and the fellers what are makin' the shadders are imposkers.


BLUTO: Why I oughta hmemhmhmhm ...


POPEYE: The loose feller wants ta know the genuine arcticle, an' he's gonner get himself outter these chains an' he's gonner look straight up in the sun, an' he's gonner be as blind as a mouske. But when he gets accustomated to the sun an' starts ta see things like they really is he's gonner get inter lots o' troubles wit' his old mates, what are still in the cave.


BLUTO: Oh? Sosezaweegahumnum ...


POPEYE: Aye—it's like when you sees a shape that's looks nice, like Olive Oyl's head, an' you thinks it's a perfeck circle, but it ain't, coz it's got things like ears and noses and buns stickin' out the sides; you kinz only sees a perfeck circle if you sees the forms o' things. An' ya sees the forms o' things wit yer mind's eye, instead of yer regler one eye.


BLUTO: Icosahedronsrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?


POPEYE: So when this enlightened-up feller comes back to the dark, he's gonner try to tell 'em others about the things he saw that ain't shadders an they's gonner take him for a looney. An' if'n he takes one o' his mates from the cave and brings him up to the light, the rest of 'em are gonner sees that they both comes back loonified.


BLUTO: You don't say?


POPEYE: So they's gonner end up murderizin' 'em. That's why the smarter fellers are gonna have a hard time wit' the eleckshuns. This here's a political allergorter.


BLUTO: Ara!

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when I had to build the
   ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask
   you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on
   board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones
   on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and
    complain -- shovel!!!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the
    Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger
    threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow
    on the other side.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
   

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
   unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
    highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
    however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
    shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
    needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
    quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
    hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

1. On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
   "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

2. Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
   Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

3. HEY, Life is still not fair for the guys...Found in a restaurant in
   England:
   Guys: No shirt, No service
   Girls: No shirt, No charge

4. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
   (translation of the Greek):
   "Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice"

5. MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
   A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg
   International Airport into town.
   An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof
   and all the windows down.
   The caption reads:
   "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!"

6. Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several
   years ago:
   restrooms
   <-----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.

7. Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
   Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
   Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.

8. Seen in a health food store_
   "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

9. "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

10. I went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant:
    "Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
   oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
   most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
   cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both
   eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
   carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
   After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an
   ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
   world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down
   eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust,
   his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been
   cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
   frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
   towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
   deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back
   door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been
   happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
   sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
   thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
   trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
   letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
   Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

The poor horse, which had broken both front ankles, was euthanized on
the track even before her own trainer knew she'd been injured. And it
all happened right before our eyes.

Our three sons asked why she had to be put down. I did my best to take
my time and offer a full explanation. I really wanted them to know of
my concerns that human exploitation had played a role.

I was grilling while we simultaneously played a game of family soccer.

Four hand-molded ground sirloin patties simmered on the flame alongside
four all-beef hot dogs. The smell of dinner wafted through the
neighborhood as we staged a match between "Man U" and "Chelsea." It was
a day to savor. The forecast hadn't been for such nice weather, or
maybe we would have gone fishing and eaten trout instead.

Checkers, our 13-year-old Labrador, was sniffing around the fire hoping
to steal a burger. Our miniature dachshunds, Mr. Lucy and Floyd, were
digging holes nearby looking for frogs. Our Norman Rockwell scene
wouldn't have been complete without them. We treat our dogs like family.

And there I was, pontificating to my sons as to how the cause of Eight
Belles' death might actually be the way she was treated by the humans
in charge of her.

I told them that Eight Belles was the only filly in the race and that
she had outperformed expectations with a heroic stride. The boys asked
what a filly was, so I explained it to them. They wanted to know why horses injured
like Eight Belles were so readily euthanized, and I tried to help them
understand.

In the meantime, the hot dogs were getting crisp, so I reduced the heat
and put cheese on the burgers. Checkers was alternating between sitting
in her monogrammed bed and circling the grill, all while staring at me.
She really is a member of the family, I thought - just like Winston,
the wily cocker spaniel that stuck by my side for almost 20 years until
his death in 2006.

"Some people think that the breeding practices are to blame," I told my
sons. "See, there was a horse named Native Dancer back in the 1950s,
and this horse, Eight Belles, is one of his descendants. In fact, every
thoroughbred in the race had Native Dancer in their family tree, which
suggests in- or over-breeding. It's just not fair what the humans do to
those horses," I said.

"In a lot of ways, it's nothing but exploitation," I told them. "They
just breed them so fast and race them so young. And in this instance,
it finally took its toll."

There was more I wanted to say. But my wife likes her burgers fairly
rare, the hot dogs were getting even more crisp, and it was time to get
inside and eat. Checkers was beginning to drool, and I wanted to keep
her on schedule. I really love the old girl.

I bit into my burger and, mouth full, announced: "This just isn't right. Somebody's got to stand up for the horses."

Michael Smerconish's column appears on
Thursdays in the Daily News and on Sundays in Currents. He can be heard
from 5 to 9 a.m. weekdays on "The Big Talker," WPHT-AM (1210). Contact
him via the Web at http://www.mastalk.com.