Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Oprah to question St. Augustine about memoir authenticity (Part I)

In another expected casualty of the expanding James Frey A Million Little Pieces scandal, St. Augustine is scheduled to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey on the authenticity of his classic theological autobiography, Confessions.

Ms. Winfrey announced the special live show, to be filmed this afternoon, as "a judgment long in coming. This man used his position of authority and trustworthiness to spin a tale so outlandish, so despicable, that a reasoned examination yields it cannot be true."

Confessions, written in the late 4th century AD, is recognized as one of the great books of Western literature, and recounts Augustine's detailed examination of his life as a sinner until his conversion to Christianity in mid-life. He is honored as a Doctor of the Catholic Church and one of her most eminent theologians and personae.

When asked if she had any concerns about taking on such an revered teacher of truth, she replied, "No, I can't say I do. I know I am skilled as an interviewer, and his bishop's robes will not cloak his deception. I intend to discover the truth behind this matter and all matters in American publishing."

An aide of Ms. Winfrey noted that her boss had not been so "loaded for bear" in years. "It's like we've found a calling here on The Oprah Winfrey Show. This message is, for all practical purposes, the new gospel according to Oprah."

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Oprah challenges St. Augustine on Confessions:"illogical and overstated" (Part II)

In a live special aired Wednesday, Oprah Winfrey challenged St. Augustine of Hippo on whether the events recorded in his Christian classic, Confessions, occurred exactly as recorded.

The exchange was marked by swings between confusion and serenity, a marked change from the caustic James Frey (A Million Little Pieces) interview of three weeks ago. St. Augustine appeared courtesy of the Communion of Saints. Excerpts of the conversation are found below.

Oprah: St. Augustine, the first thing I have to say is, for a man of the 4th century, you sure knew how to have a good time.

Augustine: Well, yes, the conversion was a powerful experience.

Oprah: No, sir, I mean a "good" time...you know, sleeping around with women, this thing with the concubine, an illegitimate son, throwing stolen pears at pigs, generally flirting with excess and pleasure....

Augustine: Ah. A problematic use of "mutable good." Well, I had been a notorious public sinner before my conversion, and some of the people in my diocese called the Donatists were disturbed that I could have been graced by God to become a bishop of the Church. So I decided I should be as candid about my history as possible, in order to more greatly glorify God's work in me. But my youth was my undoing with the Donatists.

Oprah: And you give them lots of ammunition, given that you start with your failings as a baby. Like that piece about being jealous of another baby nursing before you....

Augustine: Not quite. I obviously can't remember what I was like as a baby, but I have seen babies get quite jealous when they want something. I argued that was evidence of original sin, this inherited break from God, and that I surely sinned in the same manner at the same age.

Oprah: Still, I respectfully think you need to get a grip, Augustine. I mean, you're talking about six month old babies. They're too cute to do wrong. And everyone knows you can't do wrong until you learn how to do wrong.

Augustine: Really? I beg to differ. The sinful will is what twists our hearts. That is what my life is meant to teach others, at sad cost to me and others who suffered for my sin.

Oprah: Yes, well, before we indulge in theology, I have an audience to appease, so let's jump right to the sex. There's a lot of it in this book.

Augustine: Um, yes.

Oprah: From Book II: "Clouds of muddy carnal concupiscence filled the air. The bubbling impulese of puberty befogged and obscured my heart so it could not see the difference between love's serenity and lust's darkness." I must admit, that's a line!

Augustine: Thanks.

Oprah: But you were clearly young at this point of the book--perhaps twelve years old at the time--so how could your guilt around sexual impulses to "lust," as you say, be anything but a guilt imposed by society's expectations? Clearly you couldn't be responsible for your actions at that age. Once again, this is clearly over-the-top to the point of being illogical, and a clear example of overstatement.

Augustine: But there you go with that "socialization to wrong-doing" again. If your culture cannot see that we are born with this tendency to do wrong and an attraction to evil, you cannot understand the work of grace in the world--the whole point of the book. Instead, every urge to sin becomes a self-help project that you can manage on your own. I couldn't change my life on my own; I needed to depend entirely on God. I don't see many people acknowledging that on your show, frankly.

Oprah: (surprised) You watch the show up there?

Augustine: I did some research, sure.

Oprah: So...is there anything you do like about it?

Augustine: (Pause) The emphasis on daily gratitude is good. I just wonder who you are thanking.

Oprah: Well...(silence, looking at cameramen)...our sponsors, for one. Time for a commercial break; back in a minute with "All those Pears: Is this for real?"

Thursday, March 23, 2006

St. Augustine gains upper hand on the Oprah Show (Part III)

In an interview televised yesterday, St. Augustine gained the upper hand on Oprah Winfrey. Oprah has been accusing St. Augustine of illogical and inflated representation of the events of his own life in the classic Confessions (see previous articles, part one and part two).

Oprah: And we're back. St. Augustine, the pear tree in book two. Am I to understand you stole the pears, didn't eat them, and then threw them at pigs for sport?

Augustine: Yes, that's right. It was the most base point of my life.

Oprah: Stealing pears was your most base moment? How can you possibly argue that? For cripes sake, you're sleeping with every other woman in the book in your teenage years. And they were just...pears.

Augustine: It was about motive. I had no need for the pears and no appreciation for the pears. I could have seen them as beautiful objects of God's creation, but I didn't.

Oprah: So pineapples wouldn't have cut it? I always thought they looked strange, like diving into a mutant pine cone.

Augustine: Sure, or a coconut. Brown, ugly, hairy things. I'm a saint and I still don't understand God's intention on that one.

Oprah: So if it had been a more attractive fruit...

Augustine: No, no, we're getting off track here. The thing is, I stole the pears only because I got a thrill out of doing something that was wrong.

Oprah: (intake of breath) Like James Frey....

Augustine: Excuse me?

Oprah: Sir, what do you think of Frey's A Million Little Pieces Memoir? It's clear that he overstated incidents of his life to the point of lying. Do you think he is getting a thrill out of doing something that is wrong? Maybe demonstrating a kind of addiction still, but to risky behavior? I mean, let's be honest, if Confessions is on the up and up, you seem to have been addicted to some risky behavior yourself.

Augustine: Well, I think you can say I was "addicted" to sin, especially lust...personally, I'd call it habit. That's why the grace of God was both unearned and absolutely necessary. Look, God knows James' motives, not me. Of course it's objectively wrong for Frey to misrepresent what happened and then call it his life. However, I can't imagine this public flogging was the most pastoral way to persuade him to tell the truth. (clapping)

Oprah: But the people have a right to know!

Augustine: The people have a right to be treated with human dignity, as God would wish for any of his children. (Audience gives a standing ovation.)

Oprah ceded the rest of the show as St. Augustine riveted the audience with a lengthy explication on the relevance of The City of God, On Free Will, and On the Holy Trinity in the present day. At the end of the show, ecstatic audience participants found copies of Confessions under their seats, and rushed the stage for autographs.

"That was fantastic," gushed a audience member afterward. "I never knew a Christian could be so smart, and I watch TV all the time."