MIDLIFE-CRISIS

BIBLE STORIES

BY SUSAN SCHORN
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The Garden of Eden

Before expelling Adam and Eve from Eden, God gave them a final test. Taking each of them aside separately, He said, "Look, I'm willing to let you stay, but only if your partner is exiled from Paradise forever."

The Lord had hoped they would refuse such an unfair offer. But instead each exclaimed, "Yes! Let me stay! It wasn't my fault!"

Appalled by their disloyalty, God threw them both out into the wilderness, to suffer and toil for all eternity.

But at least they had each other.

In the Great Flood that God, in His anger, sent upon the Earth, every living thing that was not on the ark perished. And this was a vast relief to Noah, who had taken out a second mortgage to finance the ark. So when the waters receded he built an altar and offered sacrifices to the Lord, in thanks for his superb credit rating.

But then Noah realized that, along with all the bankers and mortgage brokers, so, too, had all the Earth's boat dealerships been swept away. And there went his dream of trading in the ark for a 73-foot Rizzardi CR Hard Top.

It was a stupid fucking dream anyway.

God sent the angel Gabriel to Mary in Nazareth, and Gabriel said, "Hail, Mary! You have been chosen by God to bear His only begotten son." And Mary, being pure of heart and way too young to know what she was getting into, said, "It shall be as you say, for I am the Lord's servant."

Then the angel went on, "And this son will bring you nothing but misery. He'll have a big mouth and an attitude to match. He'll be in constant trouble with the law and spend all his spare time drinking with his friends. And he'll never produce any grandchildren for you, or even bring home a decent girlfriend. But he'll tell anyone who listens how great his father is."

And Mary thought, "Well, maybe the next one will be a girl."

Jesus returned to his hometown of Nazareth, accompanied by his apostles. And everyone there doubted the stories they heard about him, saying, "He does miracles? You mean Jesus, the carpenter? You've got to be kidding me! I've known that loser since he was 9. My sister beat him up once."

So Jesus said, "Screw you guys. I should have known this place hadn't changed."
And Jesus swore he would never attend another high-school reunion as long as he lived.