Dear Republicans,

On behalf of the Twin Cities performing arts community, I'd like to welcome you to your national convention with a scene from that timeless cinematic classic, "National Lampoon's Vacation."

You remember: Chevy Chase and family schlep halfway across the country, enduring all manner of obstacles and challenges to get to their destination. They finally make it, only to be met at the gate by the dour figure of John Candy informing them that, alas, Walley World was closed.

That's kind of the way it's going to be this week in St. Paul and Minneapolis. Yes, we're one of the top cultural communities in the country. But no, you won't be able to see much of that while you're here.

The Guthrie Theater and the Children's Theatre Company are two of our Tony Award-winning companies. In theater parlance, both of those places are "dark" this week.

St. Paul's Ordway Center for the Performing Arts, one of our most lovely venues? Nothing going on there.

The State, Orpheum and Pantages theaters in Minneapolis, home to Broadway tryouts and straight-from-New-York musicals? Bupkus.

The Minnesota Orchestra and the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra? Silencio.

Our scrappy, imaginative midsize theater scene is quiet. The History Theatre — which creates thoughtful, entertaining, original plays that can teach you everything you'd want to know about this region — is home this week to Jon Stewart and "The Daily Show." Park Square Theatre has a diverse season that includes everything from Shakespeare to "Grey Gardens," none of which will be onstage.

We also have a bunch of theaters with goofy names and adventurous programming. Places with names like the Jungle. Mixed Blood. Red Eye. Gremlin. Open Eye Figure Theatre.

Dark, dark, dark, dark and dark.

It's an odd irony: We spend all this time and energy to attract national gatherings like yours to town so that we can show off what a world-class community we are. And then, once you're here, we strip ourselves of one of the most distinctive and effective bragging points.

Not to seem unwelcoming, my dear elephants, but you must bear a share of the blame. When you announced you were coming to town, most of the theaters either planned to close for the week or tried to rent their spaces to you. No offense, but among the left-leaning theater folk here, that latter phenomenon has become known as "The Holding of the Nose; The Taking of the Money."

So, some of you might, in fact, be inside our theaters this weekend. We simply ask you to remember that, enchanting as schmoozing with folks in funny hats while listening to Sammy Hagar sounds, the Twin Cities theater scene can do better. And we do welcome you back sometime when things aren't quite so manic.

If you're determined to get a little culture with your politics, there are a small handful of shows going on this week. One I can recommend without reservation is Penumbra Theatre Company's towering production of August Wilson's "Fences." It has everything. Great performances. Strong direction. An evocative set. Effective technical elements. And a story that will absolutely knock your socks off.

But you should know, esteemed conventioneers, that this is a play written by a preternaturally eloquent African-American man who was raised by a single mother and rose from obscurity to speak for a generation.

And I can see where, at least this week in these towns, a Republican might not be in the mood for something like that.